In My Absence

Hello all of you awesome Oh Shirt! listeners. I am glad to have you with me.

First off let me apologize for my lack of an episode today. I know, I know! It’s Tune in Tuesday, and I am failing you. I am terribly sorry. There aren’t a whole lot of excuses to put forth, and I won’t give you the ones I do have. I just don’t want to put out anything less than my best and if I were to post a show today it wouldn’t be that. So as a supplement, I thought I would at least post a blog of decent length.

Now as I am typing all of this I am watching a movie I found on Netflix today. While watching it I thought it would be fun if I did a written commentary of the movie as I watch it. Reader beware, this is going to be nothing but spoilers.

Let’s get the premise out of the way first. The movie is about a tire. Yup! That’s right. A tire rolling through the desert blowing up things. No, I’m not joking. I promise.

So, the first bit of dialogue asks questions to which the only answers really are, “Why not” And you are led to believe that that is the point of the movie. We’ll see where that goes.

There’s a ragtag group of people in the desert and they are told to look through the binoculars given to them. A girls asks if the movie they are watching is going to be in color or B&W. This uptight tie wearing douche nozzle doesn’t respond. He just gets on his bike and rides off. Someone needs to show that guy some love.

So, we see the tire partially buried in the sand and it starts to shake. Shit’s about to get real now. The mother effer is about to stand up.

After about 1 1/2 painful minutes of watching the tire “get it’s legs” about itself, it begins to amble on through the desert. It rolls over a few obstacles with little effort.

Alright, here comes the sad part. Sad in both the fact that it happens, and that I can see the following sentence “I like bunnies” and still have the ability to call myself a testicle owning male. So the tire comes across a rabbit. Cute, fluffy, smile inducing, innocent as could be bunny rabbit. Instead of rolling past it this tire without a cause takes it upon himself to summon the powers of the devil and blow up the rabbit.

Now I have to say, I have never had a overwhelming soft spot in my heart for tires, but THIS fucker, well he’s ruined it for all tire kind. Next time I see the Michilen Man, he’s getting one hell of a kick in the nuts. (or tire-man-thing substitute.)

So after a few more, senseless animal explosions the tire attempts to blow up who I can only imagine is becoming his love interest. He fails, and follows her to a motel, where we get to see our estrogen house nude and showering.

Now, this girl is no hussy, contrary to the people watching the movie and commenting in the dessert. So she closes the door on the snooping tire (she doesn’t know the tire is watching her yet)

I just realized I am generalizing and am kind of being a sexist. I am sorry. It didn’t occur to me that the tire may in fact not even be a male tire. It could be a female, or a transvestite for all I know. From now on, the Goodyear will be known as an it.

So the biggest question at this point is, Why the HELL are there so many people in the dessert? It’s kind of crazy, just people ambling along like it isn’t 100+ degrees with no cover.

So the tire is having a bit of an existential crisis, and is taking a nice long nap underwater. Yup the tire is trying to kill itself.

We have a new meaningful character in the film now with a boy, Zach, who continues to tell his father that he in fact saw a living tire.

As could be believed when the boy finds the dead housekeeper in one of the rooms and tells his dad, he isn’t believed.

Now here comes a bit more twisty turny stuff. The sheriff, who originally told us the premise is “Why not” tells the father that he can go home now. His job is done and the movie is over. That the spectators of the film have all been poisoned and he is no longer nessicary. Confused, the father walks off and the scene changes to the sheriff telling the EMS workers that they can go as well. That none of THIS matters.

Mind you I found this movie in the comedy section of Netflix, I feel that this is really more of a societal commentary. Expressing that, everything we are doing is pointless, and in the end effects nothing. Let’s hope a movie about a living tire isn’t that self aware, huh?

So the tire has been pulled from the water and as it comes back it kills the father and our next scene is of the tire looking at it’s reflection, and it’s… well… reflecting. It’s looking in the mirror and we are getting a few glimpses of the tire in the dessert again.

The Sheriff is telling the other officers that now their suspect is a tire. I would love to be in the mind of one of those people.

It’s terribly awkward that the spectators have all but one been poisoned. The man in the wheel chair is still alive because he refuses to eat the food that he is being offered. Now if he weren’t so selfish all of these innocent lives could be saved. I’m just saying sometimes self sacrifice isn’t the worst ting. I just had to see a poor defenseless deputy have his head exploded.

I can’t tell you I understand everything that is going on in this movie. I can’t even begin to tell you part of it, but somehow I am still interested.

So the girl is now being used as bait as they use a mannequin dressed as her is strapped with explosives.

I’m getting the feeling that this movie was made by some film school alumni with a mind to poopoo the foundation of their career. I for one am a huge fan of that concept. The reason I say this is now, our wheelchair riddled spectator, is arguing with the sheriff, telling him his premise makes no since. Because, ya know, I didn’t already say that. Fun little thing is that the spectators hat reads classically trained. The self awareness of this gives me the feeling I get when watching “Hot Shots: Part Deux”

And finally we are at the end of this film, with a dead spectator, a dead tire, and a tire reincarnated into a tricycle.

Do I feel I have gained anything from this film, probably not, but am I a fan? I would say yes. I would suggest it to you but you kind of just watched it through my words.

Overall Rubber gets a 3.5/5

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